John Farley’s MisInformation Desk

Here are a few of the emails I have sent to individuals and companies looking for writers. This will give you a clear idea of how not to go about finding a job. I post these only to expose what an ass I am. Take note of the spelling and grammatical errors. Nothing says “hack” like mistakes in your query letter. There is no wonder why I can’t find a writing job.

1.
Hi,

Your post on Craig’s List intrigued me. I have been writing for the past 20 years on a diverse variety of subjects, and I think I can offer you the words and insight you are seeking. Please take a look at the following piece I wrote yesterday for a contest. It may resonate in some way with your own experience. The concept of the contest is that the write needed to compose a story or poem based on a picture. The catch is that there was a time limit of 15 minutes. The time limit doesn’t allow time for editing, but I think this piece gets across the idea that I am able to put myself into someone else’s shoes and convey their story. The prompt image for this piece was an elderly, bearded, Middle Eastern man with a piercing gaze. Please let me know if you would be interested in discussing the project further.

Best regards,
John Farley

The Bearded Man
I’ve gotten that look before from the men of the village, the look that announces the delivery of a vicious beating. The beating is for leaving my home without my husband and without my burka. They claim that the violence is justified under Shari’ah, that it will bring me closer to G-d, and that I should fear Him. But I do not fear G-d, and I do not fear the men of this village.

I know many women who live in fear. They have never felt the whip against their flesh. They have never felt a fist against their chins. But they have never tasted, even if for a moment, the ineffable sensation of unbridled expression. They have never experienced the freedom that the men of this village enjoy every day. I have, and it is worth every thrash, every wound, and every scar. I am not happy when they beat me, but I was not happy behind my burka, behind my husband, behind my fear. At least now I experience brief moments of freedom, and in those moments I am happy.

2.
Editor’s note: The title of the ad for which this was a reply was “Young? Mad as Hell?”

To whom it may concern,

I am a young, nihilistic, non-violent anarchist hell-bent on tearing down our primitive patriarchal ideologies for no other reason than boredom. I have started a blog where I have begun to express these radical points of view. You can view it here: www.misinformationdesk.com. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns.

Best regards,
John Farley
Angry white heterosexual male oppressor.

3.
Hi,

I am interested in becoming a freelance writer for your nutrition and fitness project. I have been writing regularly for the past 20 years. My knowledge of fitness and nutrition stems from my struggle and success with weight loss. I have lost 60 pounds so far utilizing various exercise techniques from Tai Chi to rock climbing to kettlebells. My personal expertise is in vegetarian nutrition. I am not certified as a physical trainer nor a nutritionist, but I have many personal stories to share that may relate to your readers including the need to become involved in a variety of activities. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns. Thanks for your time!

Best regards,
John Farley

4.
To whom it may concern,

The following essay is my application for the freelance writer opportunity.

Best regards,
John Farley

RealHealth.TV seeks to add a human element to online medical information. The site goes beyond mere symptoms and diagnoses to relate the physical, emotional, and spiritual experiences of survivors and families. I feel I would be an excellent choice for freelance writer because I have an innate ability to empathize with and communicate human experience. I have a deep connection to the emotional and psychological responses that guide men and women through the myriad situations they face each day be they joyful or tragic. Also, I may provide a unique spiritual perspective having a BA in Religious Studies.Religion and spirituality, especially in times of tragedy, can have a profound healing effect on the individuals in need. This knowledge of world religions has afforded me many opportunities to relate to people on levels far below the surface where the roots of physical and emotional pain take hold.

Posted on October 23rd, 2007 by John Farley
Filed under: Trepidation